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Thread: The Bathing Suit, and LONG story

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Apr 2006

    Talking The Bathing Suit, and LONG story

    I found this a couple of years ago in my printed e-mail funnies. I wanted to share this with you, as I love it dearly. I don't know who originally wrote it, but God Bless them! I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

    The Bathing Suit

    When I was a child in the 1960's the bathing suit for the mature figure was boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift ad they did a good job.

    Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip.

    The mature woman has a choice- she can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus who escaped from Disney's Fantasia- or she can wander around every run of the mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of florescent rubber bands.

    What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors AKA the fitting room.

    The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lyrca used in the bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch rockets from a slingshot, which give the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you are protected from shark attacks as any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.

    I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place, I gasped in horror. . . my boobs had disappeared!
    Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.

    The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment.

    The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fit those bits of me wiling to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom, and sides. I looked like a lump of play dough wearing undersized cling wrap.

    As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, "Oh, there you are", she said, admiring the bathing suit.
    I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me.

    I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two piece which gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serving ring!
    I struggled into a pair of leopard skin bathers with raged frills and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day.
    I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning.
    I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.

    Finally, I found a suit that fit... a two piece affair with a shorts style bottom and a loose blouse type top.
    It was affordable, comfortable, and bulge friendly, so I bought it.
    My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured.

    Sadly, when I got home, I found a label in the suit which read--"Material might become transparent in water."
    So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I'm there too... I'll be the one in cut off jeans and a t-shirt!
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    Last edited by Alexandra; 05-05-2011 at 07:28 AM.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Hahahahahaha oh Sandy this story is sooooooo funny but alas so true and I think we all have funny stories about swimwear. I remember as a teenage swimmer on a swimteam some of us girls wear given a suit to trial and it weighed in at only about 1oz (old measures lol). This was in black which was a relief but it showed every little bump and curve. When doing a racing dive you really throw yourself forward with quite some force and my force forced one strap to burst and my face to turn a bright shade of red when I rose to the surface again as the suit wasnt where it should be at the precise time. hahaha
    Your painting really did have me chuckling, thank you for the painting and the fun Sandy
    Sometimes...I remember better with my eyes closed

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  3. #3
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Oh Katie, I'm about to run out a bit, and I am so glad that I checked back in to read your reply!
    I had several embarrassing moments to share as well! Hey I think I've flashed as many as one hundred-and as a young woman with no worries, except the cost of a bathing suit-and God help you when you jump out of the waves-that is all I can say there- the top with no straps, and the poor quality elastic of the bottom didn't hold up well at all. Now a mature woman-I would love to just try it on again.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Englishman in Ont, Canada
    That is so funny, I read your message to my wife who agreed whole hearted with you having been there herself.
    It really brightened up a very overcast day.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Rome (Italy)
    Dear Sandra, if Barnburner is a great epic writer, no doubt You're the top comic and comedies author here (for respect I would say also tragic, in a way )!
    I read with an uninterrupted series of laughs and chuckles Your bathsuit shopping misadventures, almost tearing, if only this were appropriate for a gentleman.
    Your final vignette then was just the perfect cherry on the cake!
    You can hardly imagine how fast my fantasy made me appear visions of each model look and effect to powerfully reinforce my fun and, before I read the end, I was going to suggest that You either looked for some comfortable and heavy veiled islamic bathsuit or, on the contrary, for a nudist camp beach (which I then discovered was Your choice in practice after taking a bath with the suit You actually bought).
    Another possibility is anyway to go in a shop where they execute body art paintings before wearing the bathsuit and have another bathsuit painted under the real one.
    Anyway I'm sure that a little collection of similar stories by You would make a real best-seller all over the world, not only for mature women.
    On the other end it would also possibly help a lot a girls to face life with enough humour not to get into depression or anorexy because of some presumed imperfections or unlikely and unfitting reference model, even better, to discover that it's wit, irony, cheerfulness and self-acceptance that really adds to the charm.
    Anyway I can assure You that today most of the problem is that they don't make clothes and suits to fit and add charm and elegance to people, but they rather prefer to have people made and re-worked to fit industrial products made with much technology and almost no more expertise, so the problem is not with You and the ladies, but with the business sector actors.
    An uncle of mine used to say, some decades ago, that, curiously, once panties used to cover the ass, now it is rather the ass that quite often covers panties ...
    Thank You for making my day (even my week I'd say).
    Panta rei (everything flows)!

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Now you know why some of us gents keep staring at women in bathing suits. It's the X factor.

    My heart does go out to the mature woman and her summer challenges. What a hoot. . . that bit about losing one's breasts in the bathing suit. . . Really captures the mood of the experience. Priceless writing.

    By the way, the t-shirt. . . even though there's no warning label, it do go transparent when wet. Why I've tipped a few beers just to see it. . . as an artist, of course. Research don'tcha know.

    And Ms Coops, that must be what "Taking one for the team" was referring to. Your spring loaded dive was so fast that you moved faster than your bathing suit. Gold medal to you! Yearbook pic!

    But heck, as I recall on the swim team, wearing speed-os as we did, if anything went missing, it wasn't hard to find. A rather economical amount of fabric it was.
    "Not a bit is wasted and the best is yet to come. . ." -- remembered from a dream

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Hi Geoff, Thank you! My sister sent this to me so many years ago, and I keep it in my printed email funnies folder, to view and read from time to time for a cheerful mood. I always loved it! I wish I knew the author, but many a mature woman can relate and sympathize.

    Hi Cesare, Good morning! I am pleased that you enjoyed this as well! As I wrote at the top of this story, I did not know the author, but loved her and would love to commend her on this hilarious story! Oh my gosh, I can't read it without tears as well! I am afraid at this point in time with a family-and married for almost twenty five years it is a matter of getting to the beach and once there, I am so happy-I don't care-a modest outfit does it for me, and for some reason my hubby and kids think I am pretty, the poor blinded folk. It is my smile, they forget about the imperfections- haha-getting old is not for sissies as Betty Davis I believe said. Thanks again sweetheart!

    Dear D-Akey, while you fellows are tipping the beer, we ladies are spying through large sunglasses....hum....haha! Thanks dear friend!

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    Huntsville, On., Canada
    Sandy, I had a great laugh while reading your email but being on the skinny side I had/have different problems

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    WV, USA
    Fantastically funny dear lady! I also had very embarassing moments in a bathing suit, no style EVER fits!

    This painting is cute and wonderful story too!

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Very Small town in Illinois
    Very funny story Sandy...
    and with disgression being the better part of valor, I am not going to address any of the specifics of this subject...
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