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Thread: Where have all the flowers gone?

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Posts
    22,556

    Where have all the flowers gone?

    Hello my friends!

    Thank you for the kind words.

    Yeah it's all been nutty. Very busy between work and having work done on the house, some of which I'm doing myself. . . personally I'm mostly sticking to the garden owing to my ability, needing roofers etc to handle the big stuff.

    Was doing gardening and the garden divas, those little faeries that everyone was painting so frequently got pissed (in all senses of the word) that I was taking down some trees and pulling dead brush and so on. They were probably really ticked because I hadn't watered them much, but neglect was only part of what engaged their formidable earthly wrath.

    My plan is to convert my backyard which had been growing wild for a long time, into a big ol' vegetable garden, which I would have to cage in because of the local varmints (raccoons, squirrels, possums, miscellaneous field rodents and a passing family of skunks that have moved on hopefully).

    But since I hadn't consulted with the divas about gutting the wild scruffy garden and future plans, as I tore into the dying brush I heard tiny voices chiming threats at me, "We are not amused, you bloody crap garden dilettante! And you shall get your come-uppance forthwith!!! Take that!!!"

    Whereupon they began jabbing at me with sticks and branches, and kicked me in the shins and slammed my hand between a brick wall and the handle of a pick ax. (ouch!)

    But after nursing my guitar fretting hand, I rallied and returned to the garden the following day. I muttered, "Try to take my guitar playing away from me will ya?!?!?! I'll show you!!!!"

    And I proceeded to tear out a dying bush wrapped in a gnarled grape vine that had been growing on an old wood shed. But it still had some mojo in it, and as I yanked and pulled at the bush, a branch poked me in the eye and deeply scratched my cornea!" And so I withdrew to wash it out with eye solution. Shortly then in my sleeping chamber with eyes closed, the irritation was so abysmal, I had to drive myself to the emergency room with only one working eye which watered incessantly.

    After the doctor and nurse did several unnatural things to my eye, the doctor proclaimed my eye was deeply scratched. He covered it with a patch and said to come back the following day. So I drove home with one eye muttering, "Take away my art, will ya! Cursed divas are fighting rough! We'll see about that! @$)*&"

    When I returned to the doctor, he looked at my eye and was shocked at how miraculously it had healed. And by the fourth day, the blurriness had mostly gone and I could see well enough to fork the garden (pitchfork that is).

    So the following weekend I hired in a bull-like tough young Mexican lad. I donned my sunscreen and we marched into the garden armed to the teeth with machete and pitchfork and chain saw.

    He has little English and I have only limited Spanish and we would communicate in a guttural hybrid lingo using lots of gestures and cash. When I was showing him what we needed to do I pointed to the bush that had scratched my eye and he made a gesture by chopping his hand into his palm and said coldly, "We kill it!"

    I said, "Good man! Stout fellow!"

    Whereupon the rest of the day we proceeded to lay low two trees, much shrubbery, and half the old wood shed. The day was OURS!!!!! VICTORY!!!!

    Having cleared the field of valor of severed limbs and trunks of felled trees to a rented 20 foot trash bin, I was back at the wood shed chucking severed 2x4s into a pile for later use.

    Heady from expanding my kingdom, while I relaxed, the divas took their revenge.

    When I threw the very last timber, through my leather garden glove a long wood shard was driven in a blink. I gingerly pulled off my right glove, which was snagging on the splintery barb, and looked at my hand. Projecting from my little finger, between my palm and first knuckle, a quarter inch on either side was the little shaft of a wooden arrow with which some wretched diva attacked me.

    In the Urgent Care room, the nurse took one look at it and made a face like she was going to puke, upgraded me on the spot and and waved me over to the Emergency Room instead.

    Long story about the extraction of splintery old wood, but suffice to say, the doc and attendants and I had a great time making jokes and generally having a great time. The X-Ray tech was particularly amused. (I know what you're thinking but there were no drugs used except a tetanus shot and some local anesthetic and later a prescription for a bunch of antibiotics). Anyway it came out clean, no bone involvement or blood, and it was the little finger on my right hand, which very few guitarists actually use. So my guitar playing was simply on hold for a few days.

    The doc told me to come back to Wound Care which I didn't really need, owing to the speed with which my hand was healing, and to Plastic Surgery, which I refused. I accepted the band-aid from Wound Care and returned to my garden.

    As an asides, before I went to the E.R., I paid my henchman, and asked him to clean up and I would see him soon for more garden work. Talking on the phone, I heard him say in broken English that after I left, he too got poked in the eye by a rogue branch! "THEY GOT JOEL!!!!" (pronounced Ho-El) I lamented. "Oh, accursed (pronounced A-Curse-Ed) war!!! Oh, what bitter irony!!! All this fighting for what? For some portfolio of canned garden seeds cat #69300 of pre-genetically engineered miscellaneous vegetables??? Oh the humanity."

    It was at that point that I called in a Tree Hugger to speak on my behalf to the divas. They went into the yard and while oddly embracing a tree, explained to the divas in the high language of the noble court, that there would be many many plants, vegetable types of plants cultivated and enjoyed, and that the garden was merely being renovated. . .

    And so it came to pass that a cease fire was drafted and signed by all parties, bloodlessly, though it has been rumored that there may have been some abstentions, diva Ronin who remain as outlaws in hiding within the thickets in the yard.

    So now that the house is nearly renovated, the situation with the garden looms nearer and nearer.

    Will the peace hold? Who can say. But that is a question for another day.

    So how are you?
    "Not a bit is wasted and the best is yet to come. . ." -- remembered from a dream

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Location
    Virginia, USA
    Posts
    711
    Oh, man, D Akey, I haven't laughed so much at someone else's misfortune since a friend's story of riding his bike into a large hedge, at speed, intentionally (to avoid riding into traffic). Why are you looking at me that way? It was hilarious... really... honest... ummm... guess you had to be there :-)

    ANYWAY, what a great story! Glad you made it out alive... Loving my no-possible-yard-work-of-any-kind condo more and more.
    WARNING: ArtRage can cause serious loss of time, and excessive smiling! Use with care! Frequently!

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  3. #3
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    England
    Posts
    1,896
    Yes, yes DAkey!

    But have you painted anything lately?

    Seriously though, my heart goes out to you. I thought I had had some bad luck with DIY and renovations over the years, but you have won both the Kewpie Doll and the cigar.

    I am so glad that you seem to have taken no long term damage.

    Phil

    My wife who, almost single handedly, supports all purveyors and lenders of books in a thousand mile radius, just read your post. She loved your writing style and humour. I pass on to you her sympathy and admiration.
    Last edited by Aged P; 07-12-2009 at 07:30 AM.
    Luck is infatuated with the efficient.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Feb 2009
    Location
    Concord, California
    Posts
    6,836
    D'Akey: Missing you terribly, I wondered were the hell you are, only to discover that, well, there you are (or at least were) in hell. Forgive me for laughing so much at your misfortune. It's the fault of your own unmatched prose.

    Fortunately, you seem well on the road to recovery, following bandages, shots, medicines, balms, witch-doctors, tree-huggers and all. Still, those divas are out there, they have no mercy or pity, their word is unreliable, and once crossed, well, you know the rest...so watch your back.

    It was the greatest pleasure and surprise to stumble on your post, to know that you are still out there (regardless of your immense suffering), and that the muse has not left you. There is balm in Gilead. They say it comes in a tube these days. Take full advantage of it.

    GREAT TO HEAR FROM YOU. POST PICS OF YOUR HARROWING ADVENTURES.
    Last edited by byroncallas; 07-12-2009 at 07:35 AM.
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  5. #5
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Location
    Ushuaia, Tierra del Fuego, Argentina
    Posts
    6,423
    So good to hear that you´re still alive and pickin´.

    Your story reminded me of why I always try to pay someone to do whatever needs to be done--life´s too short, and I´m too lazy.
    The only problem with humor is that no one takes it seriously.

  6. #6
    irishrose Guest
    Oh, DA!!!! I'm so sorry about all your recent misfortunes. Curses!!! Now I know what they mean by the saying when faced with something unpleasant: "Well, it sure is better than getting poked in the eye with a sharp stick!"... wow, is that so true. I had that happen to me about 3 yrs ago while trimming bushes outside (not having had the big strapping Mexican lad to help me out), and while reaching in to get some of the fallen branches, did not see the stick that my eye was nearly touching and it rammed right into my eyeball. OUCH! Talk about searing pain, a MASSIVE headache, watering eyes (like you), but thankfully, no cornea problem. Oy! I'm telling you, mother nature hath no mercy sometimes.

    I am glad you're back, you missed so much and apparently, so did we.

    Carry on, but "one day at a time". The garden may just grow by itself. Who knows? Stranger things have been known to happen!

    So happy you're okay. Missed you mucho!

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    Location
    Scotland
    Posts
    2,446
    Welcome back Sir.

    You have my sympathies as I too have been renovating and struggling with the fabric of my house. Removed the bathroom walls and celling. Had a hundred and fifty years worth of dust, dirt and detritus on my head and in my favourite orifices. Only have floorboards intermittently upstairs. Nearly lost a knee cap in middle of the night answering nature's insistent call but now have replaced that board and repaired the hole in the ceiling downstairs.

    The photo shows the bath under a dust sheet and the hot water system behind. Have a ceiling in most parts now but still lacking walls and hoping the shower I have bought will fit. Beginning to think doing the plumbing myself is a bit ambitious.

    You could try leaving a saucer of milk out for the divas at night, maybe even spike it for them so they sleep in while you clear the ground.
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  8. #8
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Location
    washington, usa
    Posts
    14,215
    I did not consider that your writing skills could actually get any better, but you really should consider cashing in on this talent... sorry to hear of your troubles, but the way you have described the anecdotal events are hilarious. Underneath I perceive that it was not all that much fun. Glad you are checking in. Miss your comments, wit, allusions and bs muchly.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Location
    Australia
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    1,524
    What an absolute cackle, i needed a good cheer up and you weren't short on your offering
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  10. #10
    Join Date
    Feb 2009
    Location
    Colorado
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    Well you may like to know that Caesar managed to squash one of those pesky garden diva faeries with a fly swatter while you were out fighting the good fight. Unfortunately for you, sounds like that may have only fueled their fire! Glad to hear from you my friend!
    "The significance is hiding in the insignificant. Appreciate everything."
    Eckhart Tolle

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