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Alexandra
05-03-2011, 02:28 AM
I found this a couple of years ago in my printed e-mail funnies. I wanted to share this with you, as I love it dearly. I don't know who originally wrote it, but God Bless them! I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.


The Bathing Suit

When I was a child in the 1960's the bathing suit for the mature figure was boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift ad they did a good job.

Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip.

The mature woman has a choice- she can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus who escaped from Disney's Fantasia- or she can wander around every run of the mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of florescent rubber bands.

What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors AKA the fitting room.

The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lyrca used in the bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch rockets from a slingshot, which give the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you are protected from shark attacks as any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.

I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place, I gasped in horror. . . my boobs had disappeared!
Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.

The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment.

The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fit those bits of me wiling to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom, and sides. I looked like a lump of play dough wearing undersized cling wrap.

As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, "Oh, there you are", she said, admiring the bathing suit.
I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me.

I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two piece which gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serving ring!
I struggled into a pair of leopard skin bathers with raged frills and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day.
I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning.
I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.

Finally, I found a suit that fit... a two piece affair with a shorts style bottom and a loose blouse type top.
It was affordable, comfortable, and bulge friendly, so I bought it.
My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured.

Sadly, when I got home, I found a label in the suit which read--"Material might become transparent in water."
So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I'm there too... I'll be the one in cut off jeans and a t-shirt! :eek::D

coops
05-03-2011, 02:43 AM
Hahahahahaha oh Sandy this story is sooooooo funny but alas so true and I think we all have funny stories about swimwear. I remember as a teenage swimmer on a swimteam some of us girls wear given a suit to trial and it weighed in at only about 1oz (old measures lol). This was in black which was a relief but it showed every little bump and curve. When doing a racing dive you really throw yourself forward with quite some force and my force forced one strap to burst and my face to turn a bright shade of red when I rose to the surface again as the suit wasnt where it should be at the precise time.:o:o:o hahaha
Your painting really did have me chuckling, thank you for the painting and the fun Sandy:)

Alexandra
05-03-2011, 02:50 AM
Oh Katie, I'm about to run out a bit, and I am so glad that I checked back in to read your reply!
I had several embarrassing moments to share as well! Hey I think I've flashed as many as one hundred-and as a young woman with no worries, except the cost of a bathing suit-and God help you when you jump out of the waves-that is all I can say there- the top with no straps, and the poor quality elastic of the bottom didn't hold up well at all.:o:o:o:o:o Now a mature woman-I would love to just try it on again.:eek::o

limey-g
05-03-2011, 03:33 AM
That is so funny, I read your message to my wife who agreed whole hearted with you having been there herself.
It really brightened up a very overcast day.
Geoff

Caesar
05-03-2011, 07:45 PM
Dear Sandra, if Barnburner is a great epic writer, no doubt You're the top comic and comedies author here (for respect I would say also tragic, in a way :D)!
I read with an uninterrupted series of laughs and chuckles Your bathsuit shopping misadventures, almost tearing, if only this were appropriate for a gentleman.
Your final vignette then was just the perfect cherry on the cake!
You can hardly imagine how fast my fantasy made me appear visions of each model look and effect to powerfully reinforce my fun and, before I read the end, I was going to suggest that You either looked for some comfortable and heavy veiled islamic bathsuit or, on the contrary, for a nudist camp beach (which I then discovered was Your choice in practice after taking a bath with the suit You actually bought).
Another possibility is anyway to go in a shop where they execute body art paintings before wearing the bathsuit and have another bathsuit painted under the real one.:D:p
Anyway I'm sure that a little collection of similar stories by You would make a real best-seller all over the world, not only for mature women.
On the other end it would also possibly help a lot a girls to face life with enough humour not to get into depression or anorexy because of some presumed imperfections or unlikely and unfitting reference model, even better, to discover that it's wit, irony, cheerfulness and self-acceptance that really adds to the charm.
Anyway I can assure You that today most of the problem is that they don't make clothes and suits to fit and add charm and elegance to people, but they rather prefer to have people made and re-worked to fit industrial products made with much technology and almost no more expertise, so the problem is not with You and the ladies, but with the business sector actors.
An uncle of mine used to say, some decades ago, that, curiously, once panties used to cover the ass, now it is rather the ass that quite often covers panties ...:D
Thank You for making my day (even my week I'd say).

D Akey
05-03-2011, 08:22 PM
Now you know why some of us gents keep staring at women in bathing suits. It's the X factor.

My heart does go out to the mature woman and her summer challenges. What a hoot. . . that bit about losing one's breasts in the bathing suit. . . Really captures the mood of the experience. Priceless writing.

By the way, the t-shirt. . . even though there's no warning label, it do go transparent when wet. Why I've tipped a few beers just to see it. . . as an artist, of course. Research don'tcha know.

And Ms Coops, that must be what "Taking one for the team" was referring to. Your spring loaded dive was so fast that you moved faster than your bathing suit. Gold medal to you! Yearbook pic!

But heck, as I recall on the swim team, wearing speed-os as we did, if anything went missing, it wasn't hard to find. A rather economical amount of fabric it was.

Alexandra
05-03-2011, 10:31 PM
Hi Geoff, Thank you! My sister sent this to me so many years ago, and I keep it in my printed email funnies folder, to view and read from time to time for a cheerful mood. I always loved it! I wish I knew the author, but many a mature woman can relate and sympathize. :D

Hi Cesare, Good morning! I am pleased that you enjoyed this as well! As I wrote at the top of this story, I did not know the author, but loved her and would love to commend her on this hilarious story! Oh my gosh, I can't read it without tears as well! I am afraid at this point in time with a family-and married for almost twenty five years it is a matter of getting to the beach and once there, I am so happy-I don't care-a modest outfit does it for me, and for some reason my hubby and kids think I am pretty, the poor blinded folk. It is my smile, they forget about the imperfections- haha-getting old is not for sissies as Betty Davis I believe said. Thanks again sweetheart!:D

Dear D-Akey, while you fellows are tipping the beer, we ladies are spying through large sunglasses....hum....haha! Thanks dear friend!:eek::D

justjean
05-04-2011, 01:19 AM
Sandy, I had a great laugh while reading your email :) but being on the skinny side I had/have different problems :D

Jasminek
05-04-2011, 02:06 AM
Fantastically funny dear lady! I also had very embarassing moments in a bathing suit, no style EVER fits!

This painting is cute and wonderful story too!:D

barnburner
05-04-2011, 02:56 AM
Very funny story Sandy...:D:D
and with disgression being the better part of valor, I am not going to address any of the specifics of this subject... :D:D

jibes
05-04-2011, 04:43 AM
Very funny story and cartoon! Excellent!!

Alexandra
05-04-2011, 05:29 AM
Jean, Jasmine, Mike, and Neal, Thanks so much dear mates, I am so pleased that you enjoyed this too, and had a great laugh as I did!

gxhpainter2
05-04-2011, 02:45 PM
Alexandra - this just cracked me up:D:D... a great story and great illustation.. thanks so much for sharing. I certainly brightened up my week to...:D:D:D:D

byroncallas
05-04-2011, 02:56 PM
LOL. Great story. Terrific graphic to go with hit. A hoot all around. :)

Alexandra
05-04-2011, 10:49 PM
Thanks so much ghx and Byron!

MacPix
05-04-2011, 11:36 PM
Wonderful illustration of a story that is way too true! My worst times in the dressing room were trying to put my 5'10" body into one piece suits made for 5' 5" bodies--ouch! Thank goodness for the clothing lines that finally started making bathing suits in tall styles!:D

coops
05-04-2011, 11:44 PM
Dear Sandy, this thread it so full of fun and I keep coming back to it. Dear Mr Akey, may the force be with you so to speak lol:)

Alexandra
05-05-2011, 01:24 AM
Deb, I am thrilled to read that you are a tall one too! I am 5'11". Yes, thank goodness for places like Landsend!:D

This makes me happy Katie! I had to save it years ago, because it made me laugh so hard I had tears coming out of my eyes. I decided a few years back that it was medicinal-truly-to laugh, so I started collecting funny movies, and saving funny things from my emails. I print them off and have a folder growing fatter by the year! I think this one was special.:D

Frisch
05-05-2011, 06:13 AM
I laughed with tears. You have some writing skills too. Thank you for the story and the laugh. :)

Alexandra
05-05-2011, 07:26 AM
Thank you Frisch, so happy you enjoyed it. I wish I'd written it, but this was an email forward, one I was so fortunate to receive.:)

Frisch
05-05-2011, 07:43 AM
I didn't see the Big purple, which really makes it even more funny, seeing it blinking up there. I mean as a painter it's a shame, just to look at the black.

Then, thank you for sharing it. It's a story from a woman whom I would love to meet. So frank that it's a bless. :D

ScottF
05-05-2011, 08:55 AM
What a great chuckle, Alexandra!

Alexandra
05-05-2011, 12:25 PM
Dear Frisch, I decided to re-edit and highlight it, as it was overlooked by just about everyone.:D No problem! I too would love to meet her, as I imagine she would be such a bright and uplifting personality to be around.

Thank you Scott!